Off the Radar

I’m struggling pretty badly as of late. I’m being bombarded by to many new things and am not used to that anymore.  I mean I don’t know how to handle that kind of thing, maybe I didn’t the last time though either.

I’m not sure when this stuff got kicked up but at one point while reading a certain book (well around the time I was reading it not while reading it) I was semi aware of some memory coming from one of the kids.  It involved something with my uncle but I couldn’t quite “see” what it was.  I thought it was just about the piano incident (basically I was uncomfortable and terrified for some reason wanted out of his lap but was too small to get down by myself and for whatever reason my mom just sat there.) but not too sure.  I felt as though I was being strangled, trying to scream but couldn’t.

Then earlier in the month (had forgotten I had that flashback) I was going through my photo albums looking for a picture and found myself having some sort of flashback around a picture of my aunt, uncle, and cousins at one of their houses.  I had this quick flash of being placed in a room to take a nap and being terrified.

Lately I hear a lot of “loud thoughts” about things my uncle did.  I am just struggling with really believing that happened or not.  It’s that crazy feeling of “I’m just making shit up!”.  I hate these thoughts and feelings not just because they are awful but because the make me feel physically ill.

Last night it got way too intense and in the end I did end up getting sick.  The thing is this was all happening in front of a friend and I felt really sorta dumb for not being more careful, for not recognizing earlier what was maybe happening.  They weren’t really flashbacks more like a body memory or something.  I was trying to explain about my history but every time I tried to start venturing beyond D this feeling would start up and I’d be bombarded by the “loud thoughts” from everyone.  I was totally freaked out because I started to realize there was no way out of explaining the DID (something I was hoping to explain later down the road).  The thought of having to explain that just made everything worse.

I think in someway I unconsciously stuck myself in a situation of self sabotage.  I don’t know I guess only time will tell what happens with this friend.

I’m feeling slightly better now.  Feels like whatever those memories are or if they are real…they have (literally I guess) purged themselves a little.  I don’t know if I can yet directly talk to my T about it, but I think I can maybe get the gist across.

I’m still very much debating when I’m going to try to have that conversation with my mom about what she knows.  Hard.

Where I went “wrong”

I think I figured it out today, where I went “wrong” (see the clip).  The one “wrong” thing I did.

I trusted.

I think I’m slowly learning to live with that. It feels so horribly slow though sometimes, I get so frustrated with my trust issues. It hurts and it’s scary but slowly I’m learning trust is ok to do.  Learning to trust is something we have to do.  I’m slowly learning to communicate with the emotional parts of my brain, slowly I’m learning to calm those parts.  Slowly I gain the trust of those emotional parts. Slowly those emotional parts are learning to hear the logic parts and understand those logic centers.

I wish I could just let go and trust when the situation shows that it’s more than likely safe to do so.  It’s not that easy though.  Lately I’m just so sick of the issues that come with my past and DID.  Lately I’ve been wishing that there was some way I could make it so none of those traumatic experiences ever happened, I’ve been wishing there was some way I could just be over it, “normal”…  Lately I’ve felt like pushing myself harder to change, to try and heal, to go faster than what I get done in therapy, to risk doing things that might re-traumatize or trigger memories I’m not ready for.  I’m NOT going to do that but it’s a struggle to deal with those thoughts and not give in.

Everything will happen in time.  Maybe someday I’ll have more manageable  trust issues.  I can start to see that trust can be a good thing though.  I think I can!  I know I can!  I am…slowly.

Going to bed early

Not been feeling well lately. Keep waking up with an upset stomach. Been rainy & kind of cold the last several days. Yay, headaches from the storms! Dunno which I hate more DID headaches or storm headaches… At least sometimes with a DID headache I can talk to the Others about why it’s going on and sometimes that helps it stop. Storm headaches…seems like everyone runs away and I’m stuck here with it. Thanks, guys!
Think I’m gonna go take some stuff for my stomach see if the nausea stops (made the mistake of eating some pudding, think the thickness of it made the nausea worse. ), read and sleep.
Have had a lot going on and just been kind of chilling out, trying to sort myself out. Kind of had the mirror held up to me around the self blame stuff…that sucked in a way but something really good came out of it. Then did some more EMDR stuff using that situation and that seems to have helped. Anyway, I might try to say more later. No promises.

Having a problem with saying the wrong thing

I almost always feel like I’m saying the wrong things in my outside life but now I realize I often find myself saying the wrong things in my inner world as well.  It makes me feel awful and I don’t know how to change it at the moment.  I’m not sure how to describe it except to give an outside life example of the a similar situation:

Have you ever had one of those moments with a friend where they are really down depressed and emo because say they broke up with someone, their cat is sick, they messed up at work….I don’t know.  Anyhow, no matter what you do or what you say they just keep beating themselves up.  Outwardly though you pat them on the back and say they are a great person with lots to offer blah blah blah but after awhile you inwardly start thinking “Good God, you are getting so annoying with this ‘I suck’ BS! Shut the F*ck up already!”.

Well, obviously that’s a real problem with DID and the friend is instead an internal part.  I don’t really get my own private thoughts and I end up hurting that part of me even more.  I think in the past I’ve sometimes been able to be more tactful etc, etc all that good stuff and say something better than “I understand your hurting but shut the hell up about it already”.  Right now though I guess I’m just not having one of those moments.  So there ends up being this long session of massive apologies and well…I think maybe I’m getting the silent treatment or something.  Totally deserved, I think I probably lost some trust with those parts too.  Sucks.  Things had been going pretty well, certain part that had “runaway” came back and WAY TO GO ME! I totally f*cked that up.

I’m just not good at being nice/good to “me” yet.  I keep stumbling along.  I think my fear is though that somehow they might “leave” me for good (wall me back out maybe).  *sigh* I dunno, I gotta take a break from this one…

Negative introjects and censors

Gah, I opened this window to post like an hour ago…forgot why I even wanted to type this (I knew what I wanted to say I just didn’t know what the point was or anything like that. Although most times I don’t know what the point is so…bah…anyway)…then I started reading other peoples blogs and came back.  I should probably get to bed soon, huh?

I guess negative introjects and censors are (or are kind of) the same thing.  I never really know what to call Dth.  I used to refer to him as a Dark Alter after all he is the sibling of the other 2 DA’s.  Just the other 2 DA’s aren’t out to hurt us, they are DA’s because they are well…non-human extreme protectors.  Dth is …an extreme, extreme protector (extreme beyond what’s reasonable).  So the Negative Introject or internal persecutor title (negative voice that is a continuation of all my abusers) works for me.

Censors are introjects too since they keep me doing or thinking certain things.  Just…for me my censors are not people/personalities.  The censors for me are just a background function as far as I can tell.  It’s like trying to talk to a GPS most times, just end up yelling at something that can’t respond.  Only thing is I don’t yet know how to permanently shut them off.

This week though I found myself all of a sudden wondering if these two are really connected more than I realize.

Two of my censors are in effect these days.  One is what I mentioned earlier, that is a censor on communication with outsiders.  The other is a food censor, it basically tells me “If you eat that you’ll die of  _____. You’ve had way to much fat and cholesterol today.”  Or sugar, or supposed cancer causing thing, whatever…pretty much everything.   Bleh, don’t wanna talk about it anymore than that right now.

I don’t think it had been a struggle with these censors for sometime.  I thought it was just out of the blue but then I for some reason thought about Dth.  See, Dth has been out for a while now.  I’m pretty sure he’s out anyway.  Every time I go to the safe where he was I always see it empty.  First it was empty with just half the block of ice, now it’s just a puddle that’s slowly drying.  Sometimes I think maybe that’s not real, that I’m just so worried about him being out that I’m just sort of projecting and can’t see past that illusion I’m creating.  I think that the Others know/think he’s really out too though.  The very young insiders haven’t been around as much it seems either (another “good” indicator he’s back), not sure if it’s really related though or if I’m maybe just not aware.  It just seems thought that maybe the censors are active only/more when Dth is around.

I knew we couldn’t keep him on ice forever, that we’d have to deal with him at some point.  I guess I was just hoping we’d have more time to get our plan together.  Hopefully, he stays away for a while longer (not sure where he is exactly and no one wants to go looking). Hopefully, he’ll understand at some point and maybe forgive us for what we had to do.  Hopefully, we can someday get through to him (it was going ok, slow, but ok before this.)  Hopefully, maybe there is some sort of connection with the censors and that maybe if we really can get Dth switched to our side the censors will go or let up too!

The Ripple Effect

Man, dunno really what’s going on as of late. Been quiet. Not in my head so much (although 2 or more days in a row I had that scary blank mind feeling when no one is around), just I’m not talking to people much, not posting much anywhere, not goofing off (Little Parts), not reading, not sure if I’m listening to music or not… Hasn’t been this bad in a while. Dunno if I should say bad since, I don’t know what it is. Just this hasn’t happened like this in a long while. I mean when I blackout, like last month, life and communication still went on. Makes me a bit nervous that Dth is really loose again. Hate to think about it too much. Dunno maybe there is just too much in general going on and that’s all. Don’t know at all…

Anyway, I guess I will try to get around this numbness/cut off and try to write this post.

Spent therapy today trying to explain that latest map but had to redraw it as best I could since I left the original here at home. It was still trippy to look at. There’s still so much that I left out about how things work, there’s time though right?

One of the things I’ve been thinking about for a long time and that has kind of come up again due to this ANP/EP stuff, along with some events happening to other Multi friends is this thing I call The Ripple Effect.

Emotions are complex to begin with. Emotions like loss are hard for anyone. I feel like emotions for the Multiple are 20 billion times (or times your number of inner parts) harder. There are parts of me that just don’t understand the point or purpose of emotions and if they had it their way we’d be this numb/cut off THING all the time. The robot. Then there are those emotional parts that well, I don’t know if they think there is a purpose to emotions but they are certainly caught up in them lots of times.

I have emotions, I’m just not very connected to them yet. I watch them happen to “others” and I watch them get played out in this strange way.

It might start with just one part. Like when we lost a good friendship, there was that old 5 stages of grieving. Only for me it started with just that one part, when it was done with one stage another part picked up on what was happening and started their own 5 stages, and then another part picked up on the events, and another… It felt like it was never going to end, just when I thought “I” was over it “someone” picked it up. (Ex: B might feel very sad, the sadness “leaks”, to a younger teen who then gets “word” of what’s happened and feels angry, anger leaks to a Little who find out what’s going on and takes up bargaining, by this time B might be on some other stage completely or the young teen & B could both be sad now.) Even today there are so many events that are still working their way through the system.  Never seem to know how fast or slow news is going to travel in here!

I guess I know to some extent that happens to Singletons (Non-Multiples) too (Read EnglishRain’s post for related topic).  They often keep working out emotions.  I feel like it’s probably easier though for them, there’s probably not that extreme cut off, they probably have more support than some of us, they likely were taught self-soothing/coping skills, and I wonder about the intensity.  It seems to me when these emotional events ripple through me they keep the same intensity as when they first happened.   B is somewhat better now about losing the friend I think like most people every once and awhile she revisits one stage/emotion but the intensity is slowly less.  The Little Ones are still slowly working through and the intensity seems to remain.  I remember when the loss it me and it was really a strange feeling since I had been like an outsider watching before.  I don’t think I had a clue that the loss could effect me until it hit.  I think I’m still slowly going through some stages/emotions, no clue how long that could take.

Each part of me has to work it out in their own way (well, now with help and within reason) and time.  Then there are those pars of me that still insist that it’s an unnecessary waste of time and energy.  It is exhausting but I think that with time and work in therapy it will get better, I’ll get the hang of this feeling thing.

Not really sure I said this all exactly the way I wanted to I hope it made some sense.  I kind of just forced myself to do this post late last night hoping it might help me get out of this not writing funk.  Not sure it really did, just a little.  I’ll take it I guess.

Hope I will be back soon

Went to get a scan done of my ear to see if there is anything structurally going on with it since a clinic said I twisted some tubes or something years back (ear infection-air plane, yeah OW!). It’s been crackling badly on and off ever since and seems to know be one of the cues for when the little bouts of vertigo happen (along with fluid). So anyway, I was feeling pretty crappy this weekend because they had me take a crap load of medication (I say crap load only because for my little self…it was a crap load) so they could shoot me full of contrast. I was so exhausted by the time I got to the appointment that I was trying to fight off taking a nap in the machine ha!

So then today, er earlier today, er yesterday, I just spent chillin out. Did some painting. Caught some rays. Pretty good day.

Got a few things I want to catch up writing about and some comments to catch up on. Hopefully I’ll get to it later.

Fear and Privacy

Slightly nervous that a certain phone call came into the house and a message was maybe left about a certain medical study I applied to.  I don’t think they would have left details but I’m feeling really scared maybe they did.  All I know is my mom said there was a message on the machine from the hospital.  Bleh, trying to force myself to believe that it’s just a call about my head scan for my ear this weekend. Keep telling myself they wouldn’t be able to look up that number, I put a different number into the study database (Did not release for my medical info either.)

I know there are all those laws and such but things happen. Things have happened in the past (before they were really strict about it). Dunno how the whole privacy thing would work in this case (being a study and not my actual medical info really).

Bleh, bleh, bleh.  Just those past experiences with her getting info about me an my brother…paranoia.

I’ve been slowly working up a cover story for these diagnoses.  I’m just not sure how well it would really work since, I get the impression she knows/suspects more than shes saying about my past.  Then it would really hit the fan.

Ahhh…I need to chill and sleep.  To tired to think straight.

Layers Upon Layers of Onion

I’ve mentioned to a lot of people that I’m super curious about how other multiple systems work. It’s just so fascinating to me how we can be so different from one another and often so similar having never met, having never talked to a soul about our world until we got into therapy or met another multiple (or whatever event got you to open up about it).

This is something I’ve been thinking about for a while now as I’ve been slowly discovering more and more.  I know a few people have mentioned a similar set up and some books talk about it but I’m wondering how complex it gets for others.

Recently I’ve discovered that many of my insiders have multiple names.  It’s like layers of security I guess.  Some parts I only know by a title, sometimes that’s a title I gave them (eg. one I call by her age).  Some parts then have a second name a bit like a nickname (eg. that same one I call by age has a sort of nickname she calls herself & that the others use. I frequently forget this though).  Then it seems some have a name, name (eg. the same part has a “everyday” name like say Stephanie*) which seems even more limited as to who knows that name.  It seems like there are rules, such as the “everyday” name is never to be shared outside the system.  Most of those names I don’t even know or are shared but I nearly instantly forget what it was.  The nickname for some seems to be a good indicator for a few parts as to who is around.  I nearly always call that one part by her age, if the nickname gets said generally it’s either her talking or one of the others.  The more co-conscious I get the more I think I am discovering these things.  I think I’m learning about the everyday names because I often feel like I’ve dropped into very private (or very boring everyday) chatter.  It seems like it’s usually when I’m really tired.  I’ll hear a conversation or have a visual of a conversation and recognize the insiders talking but not the names they are using with each other.

The other day I had this funny thing happen where I was getting super frustrated because I could not remember this child parts name.  I kept hearing these “private” conversations using the name Cindi* but thought I must be going really nuts because that’s not how she was introduced to her, I thought it was something similar but couldn’t for the life of me remember.  I kept hoping I had made a note of the a name in my charts.  I opened it up and there it was…Cynthia*  I believe that Cynthia* is the name that is ok to use if it feels safe to share a name outside the system (with me or with a therapist), Cindi* I think is the secure system only name.

I have no clue if that made any sense or just sounded bat crazy ha! It kind of weirds me out though discovering all these layers of inner workings. I’m not really sure why.

I’m just curious how complex other systems might or might not get. Do others find they get more an more awareness for how complex it gets or the “security” rules that might be in place? Lot’s of times I just wonder if I’m making stuff up or if I’m just being toyed with by insiders.  It gets confusing.

Now I got a headache lol!

*not their true names

Apparently Normal People

So, things are…meh.  Don’t feel like talking.  I am at the moment just kind of forcing myself to type this, not really sure why other than to say…I’m still here.  Plus I said I would say something about this new map I’m working on. Well, maybe I’ll throw in a few other things.  Funny I know a day or so a go I had a few posts I was gonna make but …lost what I was wanting to say in them I guess.

Anyway, this new map is coming about because of that last T session. I asked some question about systems and ended up learning a little about ANP’s and EP’s.  We tried really hard not do fall on the floor laughing at the term Apparently Normal Personality.  That was hard.  Anyhow, Apparently Normal Personality refers to all the parts in the system that handle the daily life and have no connection with the trauma.  They are numb to it, avoid anything to do with it and might even avoid the parts (EP’s) that do have connections to the trauma.  EP’s are Emotional Personalities, those that are caught in the past, caught in the trauma.  http://www.empty-memories.nl/didmpd.html

So I started thinking more about how my system functions like that, who’s out doing the daily stuff most, who’s out/hanging around with mostly emotional stuff.  I started making it a little bit of a hierarchy too, those at the “controls” at the top and known fragments at the bottom.  It ended up being kind of interesting because one part, S, I feel is kind of like me in I don’t know where she fits.  She seems like a definite ANP (ahhh, the only normal one of the bunch ha! I kid.) she’s up there in terms of length of time she’s been around, she doesn’t seem emotionally connected to the traumas in fact maybe disconnected, she’s kind of the protector of a lot of it in that she “normalized” it all, in the past she was the one to take punishment from Dth (negative introject) so the rest didn’t suffer for mistakes.  She tolerates few other parts and gets along best with those “at the controls”/not associated with the actual events (her best friend is a Dark Alter/Protector part).  In a lot of ways she’s like our filter part N only…N is…more of a shell than a personality.  Not sure that N has a gender, any likes or dislikes etc.

As for me, more and more I feel like I’m just free floating in the middle somewhere.  Sometimes I connect to the trauma sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I can just zone in and get daily life down, sometimes I just can’t.  When I blacked out last month that is when S stepped in for me.  I think she’s been kind of grumpy at me because I think I can do this life stuff all by myself.  I think she’s grumpy at my “Warrior/superwoman your way through” approach with inevitably backfires on me.  She’s got the life stuff down pretty well, she got a lot done for me.

I don’t think that every part has to fit neatly into those boxes of ANP and EP.  I don’t think we do really.  ??  I think everyone has their play in getting every day stuff done.  Not always are they caught up/stuck in the past.  Dunno, but it’s been interesting to think on.

I guess I won’t get into the other part. I’d rather make that a separate post.