I’m having a difficult moment. The day has been really rough. This is really the most present day I’ve had since last Tuesday and right now I’m trying to just find that little hiding niche right now because I’m just so exhausted from today. The last few minutes have been really difficult due to mom issues.
This week my mom came back from vacation and ever since she got back (well, to be honest it was happening a few weeks before but it’s much more intense now) she’s been in her evil mom mode. It’s hard. It’s times like this when I start to think there is seriously something mental with her. I seriously start to think it’s something more than just dysthymia. I seriously start to wish I had a different mom.
It’s difficult for me to be around her for too long because I inevitably say the ‘wrong’ thing. The ‘wrong’ thing meaning I say something that opens the door to some critical or unsupportive comment. I felt like crap today and all I wanted was for someone to be there for me. Well, not just someone because there are people who are there but, I wanted a mom. I keep looking for that mom who will be there to comfort me. That doesn’t exist in my world though. It often feels like she just doesn’t care at all about me. My brain has a hard time not going to the “If she doesn’t care about me, why should I care about me” thoughts. I know that’s not quite right, I think she does ‘care’ about me just not in the full and normal way a person should.
I feel like writing my shrink a letter and enclosing this in it. I’ve never done that before, written a therapist…well I did my ex therapist but she wouldn’t let me send it and made me read it out loud to her next session instead…most times it’s easier to say whats going on in my head through written word than out loud. Anyway, I have to come up with someway to get through these next several hours/days. I really want to make it to the 17th at least. I know I really need to come up with someway to get out of this house permanently again. I’m not very good at that kind of thing and job situation wise I’m struggling bad. At the moment though it feels like if I want to keep living I’m gonna have to find some kind of moving plan.
Filed under: Mom, NPD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, SI, Self-Injury, Therapy, Trauma, family | Tagged: anger, basic needs, co-fronting, dysthymia, emotional abuse, emotional neglect, emotions, feeling trapped, grief, guilt, insanity, mom, mother, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, sad, Self-Injury, self-worth, SI, Support, switching, Therapy, Trauma, upset, Verbal abuse
