I’ve mentioned to a lot of people that I’m super curious about how other multiple systems work. It’s just so fascinating to me how we can be so different from one another and often so similar having never met, having never talked to a soul about our world until we got into therapy or met another multiple (or whatever event got you to open up about it).
This is something I’ve been thinking about for a while now as I’ve been slowly discovering more and more. I know a few people have mentioned a similar set up and some books talk about it but I’m wondering how complex it gets for others.
Recently I’ve discovered that many of my insiders have multiple names. It’s like layers of security I guess. Some parts I only know by a title, sometimes that’s a title I gave them (eg. one I call by her age). Some parts then have a second name a bit like a nickname (eg. that same one I call by age has a sort of nickname she calls herself & that the others use. I frequently forget this though). Then it seems some have a name, name (eg. the same part has a “everyday” name like say Stephanie*) which seems even more limited as to who knows that name. It seems like there are rules, such as the “everyday” name is never to be shared outside the system. Most of those names I don’t even know or are shared but I nearly instantly forget what it was. The nickname for some seems to be a good indicator for a few parts as to who is around. I nearly always call that one part by her age, if the nickname gets said generally it’s either her talking or one of the others. The more co-conscious I get the more I think I am discovering these things. I think I’m learning about the everyday names because I often feel like I’ve dropped into very private (or very boring everyday) chatter. It seems like it’s usually when I’m really tired. I’ll hear a conversation or have a visual of a conversation and recognize the insiders talking but not the names they are using with each other.
The other day I had this funny thing happen where I was getting super frustrated because I could not remember this child parts name. I kept hearing these “private” conversations using the name Cindi* but thought I must be going really nuts because that’s not how she was introduced to her, I thought it was something similar but couldn’t for the life of me remember. I kept hoping I had made a note of the a name in my charts. I opened it up and there it was…Cynthia* I believe that Cynthia* is the name that is ok to use if it feels safe to share a name outside the system (with me or with a therapist), Cindi* I think is the secure system only name.
I have no clue if that made any sense or just sounded bat crazy ha! It kind of weirds me out though discovering all these layers of inner workings. I’m not really sure why.
I’m just curious how complex other systems might or might not get. Do others find they get more an more awareness for how complex it gets or the “security” rules that might be in place? Lot’s of times I just wonder if I’m making stuff up or if I’m just being toyed with by insiders. It gets confusing.
Now I got a headache lol!
*not their true names
Filed under: Dissociation, Dissociative, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Internal Conversations, Multiplicity, Therapy | Tagged: alter, awareness, co-conscious, Dissociative Identity Disorder, inner conversations, inner parts, internal converstations, mapping, MPD, multiple, multiplicity, Names, others info, system rules, Therapy
Complexity with DID is very varied. And the main point to appreciate, and I think you do, is that this complexity can vary with your awareness. Sometimes, for me, parts go away and things can be simple. But then there are other times. It’s all confusing.
True.
Makes me want to tear my hair out and go “Whyyyyy!!”
I just want it to be one way/consistent, to know if it’s ever gonna make any sense… I feel like I get these light bulb moments that then fade, flicker, turn out all together, only to pop back on again and start all over. I think right now though it feels a lot like I’m falling down a well inside myself and wondering if there is a bottom.
Yeah, it’s too confusing and I just end up with a gigantic headache. Need a DID t-shirt something with “all I got was this lousy headache”
I don’t know my system nearly as much as I’d like to. Maybe that’s not quite honest. I haven’t put out the effort to get to know all of my parts, so I guess you could say I’m dragging my feet.
I know the names of most of them, not all. I don’t keep charts or anything. I’ve a journal for them to share; no one’s written in it for quite some time.
Multiplicity–others’ multiplicity–can be intriguing. My own just seems . . . I don’t know, drab or something. Hard to explain. (If I really took the effort to get to know all my parts, it would be harder to remain in denial about my DID, which is where I spend most of my time.)
Oh I hear that.
It still takes me a lot of effort to chart for that reason. Not sure how long it took for me to get up the motivation to even start the first one. I don’t look at them very often either. Slowly the denial gets less and less but there are still days when it just punches me in the face. I’m sort of finding my way out of one of those bouts lately too. Just feeling like this was all made up, minimizing the stuff that happened, etc, just not possible I’m really DID. Bleh.
Heh, I get system envy sometimes. I hear about some other persons part or some way in which their system functions and think “Why can’t I have that or be like that” (which I guess everyone does with non-DID stuff). I was reading about one friend last night who has a part that totally told their mom off, I was about to ask if I could borrow that part from her!
I think it’s fine to go slow. Kind of like “When the student is ready the teacher will appear”.
I love your avatar by the way!
Hi,
I think that at first I was very curious about multiplicity. I have read a lot of books and that seemed to satisfy me.
I have blanked on names as well and even called others by the wrong name. We made a group collage and that has helped, I think, in many ways.
I have seen some complex multiples. I would find that very daunting. But it took a long time to learn about myself. It was a lot to learn about.
Kate
i really understand what you are talking about.
there are inside names and outside names. there are some names i am not allowed to share with the outside. there are names that other parts call other parts, that are different than the names i use. i use general descriptive names more than i use proper names. the funny thing is, none of use our given name, but some will respond to it (others will not at all)
as i’ve become more and more co-conscious (and i am getting pretty stable in that respect), more names have come up. i find that when someone finally tells their name and allows me and others to use it, it means that part is becoming associated and co-conscious. about right now, about half of my system have static names, names that are enduring. the other half have multiple names or no name. i spend a little over half my time associated and co-conscious. there seems to be a correlation. this process of naming (and learning names) has been an important step for me.
another thing i noticed is that there are some core identities who are also dissociative, and split into multiple parts. there are also identities who only communicate with the others through a go-between. when i started examining this, i didn’t expect the level of complexity i found, although now, it seems quite reasonable, and i am starting to understand how it all fits together.
i really like learning about other people and their systems, too, especially now that i am starting to really describe mine, and feel the benefits, and triumphs of becoming more associative.
it really is like unpeeling an onion!