I almost always feel like I’m saying the wrong things in my outside life but now I realize I often find myself saying the wrong things in my inner world as well. It makes me feel awful and I don’t know how to change it at the moment. I’m not sure how to describe it except to give an outside life example of the a similar situation:
Have you ever had one of those moments with a friend where they are really down depressed and emo because say they broke up with someone, their cat is sick, they messed up at work….I don’t know. Anyhow, no matter what you do or what you say they just keep beating themselves up. Outwardly though you pat them on the back and say they are a great person with lots to offer blah blah blah but after awhile you inwardly start thinking “Good God, you are getting so annoying with this ‘I suck’ BS! Shut the F*ck up already!”.
Well, obviously that’s a real problem with DID and the friend is instead an internal part. I don’t really get my own private thoughts and I end up hurting that part of me even more. I think in the past I’ve sometimes been able to be more tactful etc, etc all that good stuff and say something better than “I understand your hurting but shut the hell up about it already”. Right now though I guess I’m just not having one of those moments. So there ends up being this long session of massive apologies and well…I think maybe I’m getting the silent treatment or something. Totally deserved, I think I probably lost some trust with those parts too. Sucks. Things had been going pretty well, certain part that had “runaway” came back and WAY TO GO ME! I totally f*cked that up.
I’m just not good at being nice/good to “me” yet. I keep stumbling along. I think my fear is though that somehow they might “leave” me for good (wall me back out maybe). *sigh* I dunno, I gotta take a break from this one…
Filed under: Dissociative Identity Disorder, Multiplicity, Trauma, Verbal abuse, abuse | Tagged: caring, caring for self, cycle of abuse, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, emotional abuse, emotional neglect, Emotional Personality, emotions, sad, self-esteem, self-worth, talking to self, Trauma
I use to worry about leaving for good, so far it hasn’t happened. I’ve known about my multiplicity since I was a child so I think it’s easier for me to communicate and for all of us to let each other’s behaviors or mistakes roll off our backs.
Inside our system, (we call ourselves Morton’s Pride), we do not have private thoughts either. If I think so-in-so is being a butthead then so-in-so is very well aware it. Some don’t take it personally but it can devastate those who are in a less stable spot.
There are times when I tire of other people’s pain which I suppose is why I fear others will tire of mine. It’s something that is more common than you might think.
I believe we get tired of each other because we have so much on our shoulders. If there’s an over abundance of emotion and pain during a time when we ourselves are having difficulties then we might not be so sensitive. Their pain prolonged may be the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.
I think it’s also true to say when we come in and try to make things better but can’t we end up feeling like a failure. With that underlying feeling brewing we may respond with personal attacks such as, “Shut the fuck up!” or “You should try being me, ya baby!” I think sometimes these comments/attacks have more to do with our feelings of failure to fix things than with the other person’s emotional state. Failure on any level can trouble us and stir up issues.
Faith
Hmm, thanks for the thoughts really giving me something to think on.
See, I’ve known too since I was pretty little. It’s a interesting thought you gave me cause the parts I have this trouble with came one when I was around 12 the other at 18. They’re kind of the newbies and the most unstable of the bunch, they call themselves the outcasts because they are so different (or at least that’s how the see it). I think all of us are trying to help them see they really are part of our whole group but it gets frustrating sometimes, these parts are just so wounded and off in that world. I think it’s probably true still, they do let it go easier than I do.
I think your dead right about the failure thing. There has been some major issues/feelings/triggers with that lately (before this ‘lashing’ out started). I think I feel a lot of guilt around these two parts in that sense too. Just another way to blame myself for what happened but…it wasn’t me that was at fault for not protecting me/them back then, it was the adults in my/our life that should have protected me/us & seen the signs of what was going on. I think I get the now and then concept mixed up around these two a lot. I couldn’t do it then, I can do it now but I’m petrified of screwing up.
Hi,
I wanted to say that one of the biggest things I can do for msyelf(ves) is to not be too harsh when I do, say, and think the wrong things. I know it can hurt others. I know but I try hard to be the best I can and when I fall, I just try to get back up. It is inevitable. I’m still trying to let go of judging myself.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate