I think I figured it out today, where I went “wrong” (see the clip). The one “wrong” thing I did.
I trusted.
I think I’m slowly learning to live with that. It feels so horribly slow though sometimes, I get so frustrated with my trust issues. It hurts and it’s scary but slowly I’m learning trust is ok to do. Learning to trust is something we have to do. I’m slowly learning to communicate with the emotional parts of my brain, slowly I’m learning to calm those parts. Slowly I gain the trust of those emotional parts. Slowly those emotional parts are learning to hear the logic parts and understand those logic centers.
I wish I could just let go and trust when the situation shows that it’s more than likely safe to do so. It’s not that easy though. Lately I’m just so sick of the issues that come with my past and DID. Lately I’ve been wishing that there was some way I could make it so none of those traumatic experiences ever happened, I’ve been wishing there was some way I could just be over it, “normal”… Lately I’ve felt like pushing myself harder to change, to try and heal, to go faster than what I get done in therapy, to risk doing things that might re-traumatize or trigger memories I’m not ready for. I’m NOT going to do that but it’s a struggle to deal with those thoughts and not give in.
Everything will happen in time. Maybe someday I’ll have more manageable trust issues. I can start to see that trust can be a good thing though. I think I can! I know I can! I am…slowly.
Filed under: Dissociation, Dissociative, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Multiplicity, Therapy, Trauma, Triggers, abandonment, abuse, complex PTSD, covert, family, sexual assault, sibling | Tagged: abandonment, abandonment issues, childhood abuse, covert abuse, Dysfunctional family, female abusers, friendships, overt abuse, relationships, sexual abuse, sexual assault, sibling abuse, Therapy, Trauma, trust, women abusers
I can sympathize with what you say. Hang in there… It’s good you know that you cannot force things.
I hear you…a little late, but I also can hear and relate to what you’re saying…
Thinking good thoughts for you….
~ Grace
They knew you’d trust them and took advantage of that trust. Of course I say that as a hypocrite. I guess intellectually I know my abusers skillfully manipulated me and banked on me trusting them yet I blame myself for so many of their actions. It’s a hard line to draw between their actions and mine. It’s not as if I did this to myself but I can find 100 different ways to make this something I did wrong.
I learned not to trust myself or anyone else. This lesson will be hard to unlearn.
Faith