The Ripple Effect

Man, dunno really what’s going on as of late. Been quiet. Not in my head so much (although 2 or more days in a row I had that scary blank mind feeling when no one is around), just I’m not talking to people much, not posting much anywhere, not goofing off (Little Parts), not reading, not sure if I’m listening to music or not… Hasn’t been this bad in a while. Dunno if I should say bad since, I don’t know what it is. Just this hasn’t happened like this in a long while. I mean when I blackout, like last month, life and communication still went on. Makes me a bit nervous that Dth is really loose again. Hate to think about it too much. Dunno maybe there is just too much in general going on and that’s all. Don’t know at all…

Anyway, I guess I will try to get around this numbness/cut off and try to write this post.

Spent therapy today trying to explain that latest map but had to redraw it as best I could since I left the original here at home. It was still trippy to look at. There’s still so much that I left out about how things work, there’s time though right?

One of the things I’ve been thinking about for a long time and that has kind of come up again due to this ANP/EP stuff, along with some events happening to other Multi friends is this thing I call The Ripple Effect.

Emotions are complex to begin with. Emotions like loss are hard for anyone. I feel like emotions for the Multiple are 20 billion times (or times your number of inner parts) harder. There are parts of me that just don’t understand the point or purpose of emotions and if they had it their way we’d be this numb/cut off THING all the time. The robot. Then there are those emotional parts that well, I don’t know if they think there is a purpose to emotions but they are certainly caught up in them lots of times.

I have emotions, I’m just not very connected to them yet. I watch them happen to “others” and I watch them get played out in this strange way.

It might start with just one part. Like when we lost a good friendship, there was that old 5 stages of grieving. Only for me it started with just that one part, when it was done with one stage another part picked up on what was happening and started their own 5 stages, and then another part picked up on the events, and another… It felt like it was never going to end, just when I thought “I” was over it “someone” picked it up. (Ex: B might feel very sad, the sadness “leaks”, to a younger teen who then gets “word” of what’s happened and feels angry, anger leaks to a Little who find out what’s going on and takes up bargaining, by this time B might be on some other stage completely or the young teen & B could both be sad now.) Even today there are so many events that are still working their way through the system.  Never seem to know how fast or slow news is going to travel in here!

I guess I know to some extent that happens to Singletons (Non-Multiples) too (Read EnglishRain’s post for related topic).  They often keep working out emotions.  I feel like it’s probably easier though for them, there’s probably not that extreme cut off, they probably have more support than some of us, they likely were taught self-soothing/coping skills, and I wonder about the intensity.  It seems to me when these emotional events ripple through me they keep the same intensity as when they first happened.   B is somewhat better now about losing the friend I think like most people every once and awhile she revisits one stage/emotion but the intensity is slowly less.  The Little Ones are still slowly working through and the intensity seems to remain.  I remember when the loss it me and it was really a strange feeling since I had been like an outsider watching before.  I don’t think I had a clue that the loss could effect me until it hit.  I think I’m still slowly going through some stages/emotions, no clue how long that could take.

Each part of me has to work it out in their own way (well, now with help and within reason) and time.  Then there are those pars of me that still insist that it’s an unnecessary waste of time and energy.  It is exhausting but I think that with time and work in therapy it will get better, I’ll get the hang of this feeling thing.

Not really sure I said this all exactly the way I wanted to I hope it made some sense.  I kind of just forced myself to do this post late last night hoping it might help me get out of this not writing funk.  Not sure it really did, just a little.  I’ll take it I guess. 🙂

Layers Upon Layers of Onion

I’ve mentioned to a lot of people that I’m super curious about how other multiple systems work. It’s just so fascinating to me how we can be so different from one another and often so similar having never met, having never talked to a soul about our world until we got into therapy or met another multiple (or whatever event got you to open up about it).

This is something I’ve been thinking about for a while now as I’ve been slowly discovering more and more.  I know a few people have mentioned a similar set up and some books talk about it but I’m wondering how complex it gets for others.

Recently I’ve discovered that many of my insiders have multiple names.  It’s like layers of security I guess.  Some parts I only know by a title, sometimes that’s a title I gave them (eg. one I call by her age).  Some parts then have a second name a bit like a nickname (eg. that same one I call by age has a sort of nickname she calls herself & that the others use. I frequently forget this though).  Then it seems some have a name, name (eg. the same part has a “everyday” name like say Stephanie*) which seems even more limited as to who knows that name.  It seems like there are rules, such as the “everyday” name is never to be shared outside the system.  Most of those names I don’t even know or are shared but I nearly instantly forget what it was.  The nickname for some seems to be a good indicator for a few parts as to who is around.  I nearly always call that one part by her age, if the nickname gets said generally it’s either her talking or one of the others.  The more co-conscious I get the more I think I am discovering these things.  I think I’m learning about the everyday names because I often feel like I’ve dropped into very private (or very boring everyday) chatter.  It seems like it’s usually when I’m really tired.  I’ll hear a conversation or have a visual of a conversation and recognize the insiders talking but not the names they are using with each other.

The other day I had this funny thing happen where I was getting super frustrated because I could not remember this child parts name.  I kept hearing these “private” conversations using the name Cindi* but thought I must be going really nuts because that’s not how she was introduced to her, I thought it was something similar but couldn’t for the life of me remember.  I kept hoping I had made a note of the a name in my charts.  I opened it up and there it was…Cynthia*  I believe that Cynthia* is the name that is ok to use if it feels safe to share a name outside the system (with me or with a therapist), Cindi* I think is the secure system only name.

I have no clue if that made any sense or just sounded bat crazy ha! It kind of weirds me out though discovering all these layers of inner workings. I’m not really sure why.

I’m just curious how complex other systems might or might not get. Do others find they get more an more awareness for how complex it gets or the “security” rules that might be in place? Lot’s of times I just wonder if I’m making stuff up or if I’m just being toyed with by insiders.  It gets confusing.

Now I got a headache lol!

*not their true names

Apparently Normal People

So, things are…meh.  Don’t feel like talking.  I am at the moment just kind of forcing myself to type this, not really sure why other than to say…I’m still here.  Plus I said I would say something about this new map I’m working on. Well, maybe I’ll throw in a few other things.  Funny I know a day or so a go I had a few posts I was gonna make but …lost what I was wanting to say in them I guess.

Anyway, this new map is coming about because of that last T session. I asked some question about systems and ended up learning a little about ANP’s and EP’s.  We tried really hard not do fall on the floor laughing at the term Apparently Normal Personality.  That was hard.  Anyhow, Apparently Normal Personality refers to all the parts in the system that handle the daily life and have no connection with the trauma.  They are numb to it, avoid anything to do with it and might even avoid the parts (EP’s) that do have connections to the trauma.  EP’s are Emotional Personalities, those that are caught in the past, caught in the trauma.  http://www.empty-memories.nl/didmpd.html

So I started thinking more about how my system functions like that, who’s out doing the daily stuff most, who’s out/hanging around with mostly emotional stuff.  I started making it a little bit of a hierarchy too, those at the “controls” at the top and known fragments at the bottom.  It ended up being kind of interesting because one part, S, I feel is kind of like me in I don’t know where she fits.  She seems like a definite ANP (ahhh, the only normal one of the bunch ha! I kid.) she’s up there in terms of length of time she’s been around, she doesn’t seem emotionally connected to the traumas in fact maybe disconnected, she’s kind of the protector of a lot of it in that she “normalized” it all, in the past she was the one to take punishment from Dth (negative introject) so the rest didn’t suffer for mistakes.  She tolerates few other parts and gets along best with those “at the controls”/not associated with the actual events (her best friend is a Dark Alter/Protector part).  In a lot of ways she’s like our filter part N only…N is…more of a shell than a personality.  Not sure that N has a gender, any likes or dislikes etc.

As for me, more and more I feel like I’m just free floating in the middle somewhere.  Sometimes I connect to the trauma sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I can just zone in and get daily life down, sometimes I just can’t.  When I blacked out last month that is when S stepped in for me.  I think she’s been kind of grumpy at me because I think I can do this life stuff all by myself.  I think she’s grumpy at my “Warrior/superwoman your way through” approach with inevitably backfires on me.  She’s got the life stuff down pretty well, she got a lot done for me.

I don’t think that every part has to fit neatly into those boxes of ANP and EP.  I don’t think we do really.  ??  I think everyone has their play in getting every day stuff done.  Not always are they caught up/stuck in the past.  Dunno, but it’s been interesting to think on.

I guess I won’t get into the other part. I’d rather make that a separate post.

Day of the Dead

**could trigger  Dark Alters, SI, general anger at everyone, mother shit, oh cursing possibly**

Pretty sure Dth is back. So We’re shit up a creek if he really is. not sure how he got out.

sorry typin one handed because well….

Pretty sure we’re dead. Yup can’t feel so gotta be dead. still bleed…it was an accident…but dont feel. just watchin this thing…so weird…  I mean technichally it was an accident, i mean we were trying to sorta set up something but ol’ butter fingers here slipped while trying to open somethin…so … kind of no point now, especially if we are dead.

just feel like tellin every one they can go … k damn censor won’t let me curse that much well he can go …too!

it was the mom again what a bitch.   souldn’t say this here sorry…nvm

Sponge Brain Regular Pants

I was going to say no pants since my brain doesn’t wear pants…that I’m aware of.

Anyway, back from my therapy session and there is so much to say.  The problem is me though…my brain is killing me! One of the really hard parts for me is wanting to learn and my insiders wanting me to slow down with that.  I have questions galore, I want to know how and why we tick the way we do, what have the “experts” got right and what is wrong, how are we different. I drive myself nuts with it. So right now I’m wanting to dive into reading more but the insiders aren’t letting me. They are making my head throb and feel scrambled, making me feel so exhausted…I’m doing that to myself in away huh? So…I guess I’ll have to come back later and fill it all in.

Basically, I have been writing down the inner thoughts that come up between sessions.  I’m finding if I don’t stuff will either get typed up here (but only brief thoughts) or in my journal where it is just forgotten.  This week so much came up, I had three sheets front and back so, we didn’t get to it all.  Hashed out some of the mom stuff and talked about doing some EMDR with the little kids.  I think we can get them to trust us that it will be ok to open up about those long buried feelings.  This is why DID is so odd to me… I just really have a hard time understanding how grown up me can think nothing of certain issues, in this case my old abandonment issues.  Adult me thinks the abandonment stuff is silly, “No, I don’t worry about that!”.   Somewhere buried deep with those little parts though…they are terrified still.  For those little parts being left or “thrown away” is very real.  That part of it makes me sad, sad for them but there is no connection that those parts are me …not exactly anyway.  Not yet, that would hurt too much I guess.

Then I had a sheet of questions.  I was glad she was cool about me asking them.  I was a little worried she’d tell me just to not worry about all this stuff.  Sometimes I think people think I’m just label happy and so that’s why I ask questions about different diagnostic labels and terms etc.  Nope I’m just super curious sometimes!  When people use certain terms I wanna know what they mean, how it MIGHT apply to me, where they came from…goes on and on…

So I asked her about using C-PTSD on my doctors forms because it frustrates me to hell to just say “I have PTSD” and the docs ask what from thinking it’s just one experience.  Plus, they are familiar with the symptoms of PTSD but that doesn’t even cover half the crap I experience.  I really don’t want to tell doctors I have DID, for numerous reasons.  So, she said she thought that would be a good fit.  YAY! I think that might help save a few headaches…literally! I’m serious! I went to my vertigo follow up and was at a loss as to what to say to the doc.  He kept asking about the headaches I had been evaluated for a few years back and I didn’t know how to say I know what they are not but can’t tell you! LMAO! If I say I have PTSD and a Dissociative Disorder I still feel like that’s sayin too much and too little.  Aside from professionals this label really has no point in my life.

There were a few more questions on there and we just touched on them briefly. I’m trying to find out some more about them because she threw out some terms I hadn’t heard, she explained them but …I still want more!! She said she’d be happy to give me more lol! She said she thought it was important and good that I was curious so then maybe it wouldn’t feel like I’m so alone in the dark, feelin like a freak! haha! I don’t feel like that quite as often but I still just find myself going WTF!! That’s the best way I can put it.  So I want to read around a little and then I’ll come back and say more about this question that was brought up.  The only other thing I can say is that I am now trying to make a new system map that is a sort of “rank”/ hierarchy map.

I think I’m gonna go take a nap. Being ordered by the insiders (gee, guess that says where I fall in the group huh! haha!).

Little bit more EMDR

Well someone else asked about this and I know I meant to update my own experiences so I thought I’d try again using the explanation I  gave this person as a jumping off point.  Here is what I said with a few tweaks thrown in to explain how DID fits in there (I was explaining to a person with PTSD no DID).

Right now we are still just concentrating on strengthening me and the good memories. It’s kind of a trip sometimes lol and I’m nervous for when we do get into the difficult memories because of the intensity of what happens with the good things. It’s really hard to describe what I mean by intensity though. It’s just things seem really clear and things come out of the blue. Like we were using this memory from childhood (a place my grandma used to take me) as a safe place and we were working on strengthening it so I was told to visualize it. All of a sudden I could remember the texture of my grandmothers dress.  It was like I was touching the corner of her dress and when I think about it now I still get that sensation. Another thing that happens is the voices/thoughts of my headmates get much clearer.  It kind of startles me a little because I’ve always been co-concsious with them on some level or another but I realize now that we all sound kind of muffled.  This is like an extra loud thought, it’s kind of what I image it would be like if all of a sudden I woke up and could read another persons mind but didn’t know till the thought something.  Sometimes I get really clear pictures of things inside or happenings going on inside.  (To those with DID: It’s a little like when your in a chaotic moment and everyone is really loud but instead it’s just one person and there’s not any pain/discomfort with the loudness…like when you are drifting off to sleep & hear things louder & clearer…that kind of loud.)
Basically there are three methods that can be used in this visual, physical, and audio. Some can be combined. The visual is watching a movement, I guess some therapist have you follow their finger back and forth, some use a pencil waved back and forth, mine uses a light bar. The light bar is sort of like those news ticker things you see, or the movie (ticker?) except its a row of horizontal lights that light up back and forth ( * * * * * * ) like that. Then there’s the physical stimulus you can use, I like this one a lot. There are these things called tappers, they are sort of egg shaped and they kind of vibrate or jump (hard to describe the sensation) and you hold one in each hand. The best thing I can think of is those little Mexican jumping bean things, if you were to hold one in your closed hand. Or maybe one of those wind up hopping frogs or something like that. They just tap, back and forth in each hand. The third option is audio. A little bit like the sound when you get your hearing tested, you’ll put on head phones and hear a beep that goes back and forth between each head phone.
They each have their advantages and problems (esp. if your a dissociator). I think there is one combo that doesn’t work (if you do a combo) which is the light bar/movement and tappers. I’m not sure why off the top of my head though.
The strengthening I’ve been doing is really awesome but it does leave me extra tired.

So the last time I did this (Tuesday) we were trying an exercise to strengthen the adult parts of me so that the younger parts wouldn’t need to feel so lost, alone, and like they need to take charge…so they can sit back a little, let us help them, realize we are there to help. (Since everyone has different parts/sides to them this exercise I did is not just DID specific! If I remember I might be able to put up a Box widget with the exercise or message me if you’d like to check it out with your T. I think it would be ok to do that…) Well, I didn’t get to far because one of my teen parts is missing her friend (an older part who’s in hiding still after the chaos of last month) so she’s bored with the summer blues! So I was trying to focus on this image of a strong adult side of me but this teen part kept popping in (pretending to be that part, or laughing at things).  So I let my T know and we decided to switch to working with this part.  It was hard because this part is not at all touchy feely therapy kind of person.  My T asked me who could be the adult part to be there for this part.  That was hard because the only person I know she tells everything to and is close to is this part that has “run away”.  She doesn’t like anyone else, those two parts feel like they are banded together as the “outcasts” of the bunch.  We do talk some so eventually I decided I would like to try.  I feel really bad for this part of me, no one was there for her.  All the adults in my life ignored her/me.  I’d really like to be closer to her and I felt like she was willing to talk with me.  So I focused on a visual of being in our internal world and sitting with her.  Focused again on the light bar and what do you know! It’s working! T is telling me to tell her whatever I think might help to get her hear I’m there for her & want to help etc.  I did a lot of apologizing to this part for my part in ignoring her and I sympathized with her feelings at this age.  She told me that life sucks. I didn’t disagree, I just shared shortly about what I’ve learned though over the years and what a future part of me has shared.  It does and can get better.  Mostly I tried to listen though.  The part that hurt was when she told me that most of the time she just wants to die.  In the end we left it that I hoped she would feel ok to keep talking to me and let me know what’s going on with her before things really spiral out of control (feeling feel unmanageable).  I was proud of her making it to one year without self-harming and for trying to let the rest of us help her with that.

Finally, this part curled up with her head on my lap (she’s gonna hate me for saying she did this probably. eeps!), said she was really sleepy and didn’t feel well.  The rest of us let her rest and kind of waited on her for a little bit.  I felt really odd after the session was done.  The tightness in my chest from when we started was gone, I felt lighter, and it felt like something had shifted in me somehow.  Things still feel a little shifted, not in a bad way just different.  The urges to SI are still there and still pretty intense but we can talk about them a lot better it seems.

Next time I think we are going to work on creating another safe place based on a drawing I did recently.  I think it would be a really cool place to have!

Long day, long night

I should sleep. Been going to bed late for the past few nights. I just am feeling all screwed up body clockwise/bodywise in general tonight.

I did some more EMDR today er…yesterday now. Strengthening some system connections so, it was pretty much after that that things felt screwy.  Not necessarily in a bad way just things shifted a little I think. I’m a little to tired to talk about it right now but maybe tomorrow.

I picked up “When Rabbit Howls” from the library. Haven’t really been able to get into it, still having trouble with reading for long periods of time.  I should say by long periods I mean like 10-15 seconds. Maybe I should try the art book I got haha!

Been doing some more art stuff. It’s really strange what happens when I get in that ‘mode’. I really am not sure how to describe it, I’m just kind of in some other mind set completely.  I feel like the painter guy in “Heroes” (if violence etc bugs you stop around the 3.30 mark).  I did one of my pieces in a near 24hr marathon!  I’m gonna post it at my general life blog (not linked here in hopes of maintaining anonymity, I swear I’m dropping the ball on that somewhere ha!). I don’t know most of it anyway, only one of my pieces had anything to do with all this.  Most of what I did was just general.

I’m also blogging for Blogathon on another blog of mine (linked over in the our blog links sidebar the Darkness or something lol I miss labeled it and haven’t fixed it.)  I’m anonymous there too though…er really trying hard to be anyway.  So it’s 24 hours for a cause to which people sponsor me (other bloggers)/pledge money to the bloggers charity of choice.  So check it out, if you can help out even if it’s just a couple cents, whatever, that would be awesome. The charity I chose helps out survivors from all over. Anyway, I’ll let that page explain it all. Maybe if I had more art and anyone liked anything enough I’d give away a copy in a raffle or something. hmm…(I’m still super self conscious about my ‘art’)

*sigh* Maybe I should change into my PJ’s?

Here am I, somewhere

Been taking a bit of a rest. Keeping this short because it’s taking me a lot of energy to get thoughts through.

Just thinking about somethings my mom has said recently and a question posed on a site. The question was about what where your first words. Got me to thinking about how I always get curious when ever my mom talks about how I was as a baby/toddler. She said I was really talkative, I talked to everyone. Apparently I was kind of ‘rude’ to my nosy/babbling older neighbors as a kid.

Whenever she tells me these stories I think what happened? When did I become the shy withdrawn kid? Does that happen to kids ‘normally’? Maybe it’s nothing but …I don’t know I just find myself sort of shocked that I was so free like that ever. Definitely I don’t think I was like that in preschool and my mom doesn’t tell those types of stories about me in that time period.

I don’t know. Too much going on in my head. No therapy tomorrow. I’m going back to rest mode.

Window Cleaning

Been having major probs with the eyes.  Can hardly read anything because they are blurry all the time.  Allergy eye drops don’t really help most of the time so, chalking it up to co- …. multi-fronting ha! Uh, so, …yeah, not been around much.  Lots going on, lots to say, lots to share but, haven’t really been able or up to it.  I know there has been all this babble about posting art crap for months now and nothing has happened, this time though there is some new stuff that is seriously going to get posted.  Since there was something I was supposed to be doing and can’t remember what it was…(oh finishing the library book, right. Well, blurry headache eyes kind of took care of that. *Plus, it’s insanely boring and whoever liked that book isn’t here so…ha!*) I will get on that right away.  I’ll look around for the old stuff that was going to be posted but I’m not sure where it got put.  Was going to share it because it seems like so many survivors have this same image glued in their head.  It was pretty startling then to see this image then in an old journal long before anything about the old trauma ‘surfaced’.  So hopefully, I’ll find it.  Been trying to clean up the room and organize (jeez, how long after a move does it really take to get things in order?!) so things are kind of…everywhere.  Alright, so um…I’ll try to post again when it’s done but otherwise check the art blog link on the right there  —->

My struggles with comparison

Well, I wanted to sleep in but my allergies decided to attack me instead.  So here I am hoping this allergy medication would knock me back out again and instead I find myself dwelling on the day, getting into things I shouldn’t.  I don’t know why I do this to myself, get into things that I know will upset me when I’m feeling fragile.  Eventually it leads to urges to self-injure and maybe that’s part of it, maybe I’m subconsciously looking for the excuse to do that.  I really don’t know.

I just somehow find myself looking people I used to know up on the internet, seeing what they are up to these days.  I run through just about every single emotion there is to be had looking at what I find.  In the end I just feel silly about it because I honestly don’t really want much of what everyone else ‘has’, for the most part I feel ok about my life.  I mean it’s not ideal, it’s not entirely where I want to be but I know I’ll get there and this stuff is necessary.  I know I’ll be better off, others around me will be better off, I don’t want to keep this cycle running.  I think in a lot of ways though I sometimes go off on these little searches because some part of me is still worried about “the norm”, about “fitting in”, about not giving off the appearance of something being wrong.  The great cover up!  I struggle with this comparing myself to others so much.  I want to look ‘normal’ but I don’t want to be like everyone else.  It gets so confusing!  I think it’s some of my dad’s voice coming through, he’s always been big on this idea that there is something called NORMAL.  I feel a lot of pressure from within myself to fit that idea, it’s funny though because I feel a little backwards.  There’s that saying “You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone” but for me it seems like I get what I think I want or am SUPPOSED to want then eventually lose it and say “Huh?! That’s not at all what I wanted. Why did I think I wanted that?”  It fit the “norm” that’s why.  It throws me off on days like this though because I think I shouldn’t want what I want, it’s not “the norm”.  It feels ‘wrong’ and I hate that.

I was looking at this bulletin board on my wall earlier today and I’m not sure maybe that’s where this urge started from and I was unaware it was bubbling up to a boil.  I’ve had this bulletin board since middle school maybe, it’s covered in celebrity photos from various magazines.  I don’t have any recollection of being into celebrities that much.  I think sometimes I stare at it hoping I’ll all of a sudden make a connection to it  “Oh, yeah! I remember now, I was big time into those magazines and reading about those people”.  Now it’s dawning on me maybe I won’t, maybe it’s just another thing I did because I thought it was “normal”.  It was what all the other kids I knew were into (I mean I like these celebrities but not THAT much) at the time.  I listen to the kids I work with talk about celebrities and I don’t recall being like that as a kid.  It’s sort of funny too because the board isn’t somewhere out in the open but behind the door.  I get the feeling that maybe I wasn’t sure if I was ‘right’, did I do it the right way, where they the right people, was I really supposed to be into this celeb thing? etc.  I guess putting it behind the door was the only ‘wrong’ thing.

Just sitting and pondering all this and yesterday’s post.  I think I’ve been thinking a lot about rejection type issues and competition I don’t know maybe this is just one more extension of it.  I’m in this crazy “competition” where I don’t know if I’ll win or lose, if I win then that means my brother loses which ultimately comes back to hurt me, and I can’t seem to be me because I’m not ‘normal’.  Seems like no matter what I try it’s never enough, it’s never good enough.  For other people.  Maybe at some point I’ll be able to be ok with not fitting “the norm” and liking it.