Off the Radar

I’m struggling pretty badly as of late. I’m being bombarded by to many new things and am not used to that anymore.  I mean I don’t know how to handle that kind of thing, maybe I didn’t the last time though either.

I’m not sure when this stuff got kicked up but at one point while reading a certain book (well around the time I was reading it not while reading it) I was semi aware of some memory coming from one of the kids.  It involved something with my uncle but I couldn’t quite “see” what it was.  I thought it was just about the piano incident (basically I was uncomfortable and terrified for some reason wanted out of his lap but was too small to get down by myself and for whatever reason my mom just sat there.) but not too sure.  I felt as though I was being strangled, trying to scream but couldn’t.

Then earlier in the month (had forgotten I had that flashback) I was going through my photo albums looking for a picture and found myself having some sort of flashback around a picture of my aunt, uncle, and cousins at one of their houses.  I had this quick flash of being placed in a room to take a nap and being terrified.

Lately I hear a lot of “loud thoughts” about things my uncle did.  I am just struggling with really believing that happened or not.  It’s that crazy feeling of “I’m just making shit up!”.  I hate these thoughts and feelings not just because they are awful but because the make me feel physically ill.

Last night it got way too intense and in the end I did end up getting sick.  The thing is this was all happening in front of a friend and I felt really sorta dumb for not being more careful, for not recognizing earlier what was maybe happening.  They weren’t really flashbacks more like a body memory or something.  I was trying to explain about my history but every time I tried to start venturing beyond D this feeling would start up and I’d be bombarded by the “loud thoughts” from everyone.  I was totally freaked out because I started to realize there was no way out of explaining the DID (something I was hoping to explain later down the road).  The thought of having to explain that just made everything worse.

I think in someway I unconsciously stuck myself in a situation of self sabotage.  I don’t know I guess only time will tell what happens with this friend.

I’m feeling slightly better now.  Feels like whatever those memories are or if they are real…they have (literally I guess) purged themselves a little.  I don’t know if I can yet directly talk to my T about it, but I think I can maybe get the gist across.

I’m still very much debating when I’m going to try to have that conversation with my mom about what she knows.  Hard.