Spring is on the Way, I Hope

–past draft obviously as it’s now spring! Slowly feeling better but still no T. Finally getting around to posting it.–

It’s been a few months since we’ve been to therapy. Not sure why or what’s going on. Time seems to be flying by and I’m not sure where it’s all gone or going.

Yesterday FS came by because it feels like we’re headed some place not so great fast. She is right we do look, and feel, battle weary. She always seems to know how to “rally the troops” though and so far today things don’t seem so heavy. It might be the sun too, it’s actually out out instead of being out for five seconds then going back to gloom. Can’t wait for it to really be spring.

Things have been bad because of being apart from someone, the only person I’ve ever felt like a completely whole person when I get to be around him. Then it really came crashing down with an injury. Given my health issues it was a big blow. I’d been feeling fairly good in comparison to all the years so, it just felt like …can’t trust my body, I guess. I’ve been really down about it and it’s spiraling off into other branches of my life. Body fail -General life fail, etc. Hard to get my head out of that space. Then I’m paranoid to go out because with Winter and ice I’m afraid of slipping and more injury. Little parts restless with just movies and computer or phone games, rest of us stir crazy with cleaning and books on tape. General life failure because I couldn’t complete my two classes and couldn’t register for new ones because of the injury, then everything got messed up with my account since I just couldn’t keep up due to pain and trying to sort out doctors and insurance. Ugh. Trying to quell the anxiety just writing all that.

–Spring update–
Still stressed but taking my Remeron and it helps. I’m not really sure why I haven’t been to my therapist, I think I got in a bad isolation mode or something when my depression hit. I haven’t had a depressive episode that bad since high school or so. The not seeing my T thing started because of the holidays and illness and I just never heard back about rescheduling and I kept making excuses for not calling to try to make an appointment. I guess there was part of me that was maybe afraid something happened and I didn’t want to find out. Then later on I think it started to become fear now that so much time has passed, fear of having someone mad at me. I realize now writing that, that I think that fear of my T being mad at me comes from one of my old therapists who would actually yell at me… So, I know I need to do it and call. It’s just still really difficult.