I can’t remember the last time I cried, it’s been a few months. I’ve definitely felt like crying, a lot. All those times that I felt like crying though I just couldn’t seem to actually cry, it was so frustrating. I’m at the point where I’m pretty ok with crying, I still don’t like to do it in front of anyone though.
Today though… Today something just broke, too much going on, feeling like everything is broken or breaking, falling apart, failing, feeling massively insecure, wondering if anyone cares or am I too much a failure, what’s gonna happen to me, feeling alone, kind of angry at me and the world,…yada yada. So I guess I just started crying. I was glad no one was home, it was one of those cry fests. For a bit it was like old times where I was scared I might not be able to stop. I don’t like that feeling, I still have it a little since I still feel like crying. I kind of just want to stay in bed and cry but that thought just makes me more angry at me. Kind of angry to the point where I feel like SI-ing. I have several years under me free and clear in that department so it would be dumb for me to let that get acted on, pretty sure most of the others agree, it would just add more fuel to the fire.
There’s a bunch of stuff I should get done today but it’s a real struggle. I made small progress, maybe I need to find a way to unwind for a bit. Not sure what that would be. Music isn’t helping, I think I would just get frustrated trying to read, I feel to inadequate to do any crafts or “art”, I was gonna exercise…
Ugh I just want to go back to bed and cry my eyes out, even if I can’t stop and I drown.
Filed under: abandonment, complex PTSD, defective, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, family, PTSD, Self-Harm, Self-Injury, SI | Tagged: abandonment issues, Depression, Dissociation, Self-Injury |
Inside Voices 
A little bit at a time.