Seeing Red

So my mom bought me this jacket a while ago while she was on vacation, I was really pissed off about it at first and I was really mixed up about it for a while.  The jacket is a fleece jacket, it’s warm but light weight, it’s a zip up type, no hood, and lots of pockets.  That was really great, she knew I had just decided to give away my yellow fleece pull over (the one I was wearing the night with ‘d’), I have problems with hooded items because of my fibro (those hoods can really throw your upper back out of wack!), and well lots of pockets are always awesome.  She said she only had two choices in color because I’m small, she was afraid to get the green one because well with my skin coloring green can be tricky!  So the only other choice was red and so she bought that one.  She knows I don’t wear red, she doesn’t know my thoughts on that color though and yet I was still really angry that she bought it.

I am honestly not completely sure what it is about that color, I just know the commentary that runs through my head.  It’s always been a bit of a drag to me because in the past even if I liked something red…I got this immediate backlash commentary from myself.  “Only wh*res wear red!” (I’ll admit I’m getting slight feedback right now for even talking about this but, I’m gonna try to push ahead) A lot of my childhood pictures show me in red, I guess mom really liked me in that color ? Other than that though, I’m really not sure what the hatred is about, where it comes from, if anything…maybe it’s nothing?

Earlier in the year however, I decided to get some new dress shoes and I was really trying hard to listen to the inner parts of me.  I’ve been trying so hard to just go with somethings, just try to let somethings be ok, you know? I mean as long as it’s not physically or mentally harmful to anyone.  So, I wound up with two pairs of shoes.  One pair were cream with red trim and the other pair were all red.  I really like them a lot. I haven’t had a chance to wear them yet but, I’m pretty sure I would.

Now, this red jacket has been sitting on my bed for quite some time but the other day it got cold…  I was having a bad fibro flare with most of it centered around my upper body and I was reluctant to wear what I might normally reach for, a hoodie!  I picked up the red jacket because it was also light weight, no hood was a bonus.  I put it on, it felt really nice! I was a bit shocked with myself and I wasn’t entirely sure about it.  My mom liked it, lol! Today it was cold again, I had one of my regular hoodies on but it was too hot after awhile.  I picked up the red jacket again and this time…I’ve actually looked in the mirror a little.  I think I do like it!  So I guess I’m gonna have to figure out wearing it out.  Right now that seems too huge, it gets me dizzy and nauseated to think about (so mostly I don’t ha!). Might have to start small with those shoes or something first (I have on occasion done red nail polish 😀 )…dunno the real Fall cold is coming fast though.