I’ve been sleeping like the dead ever since last Friday’s vertigo episode. I’ve been dreaming like crazy too! I don’t know why but I tend to go on more episodes of dreaming living here than anywhere else. I used to dream like crazy when I was a little kid, nightmares galore lots of times too. Then as the Fibro got worse I went into classic Fibro non-dreamer mode. When I moved away a few years ago I started having really horrible nightmares that were obviously related to trauma (as opposed to the more vague, symbolic, nightmares about my life and, or trauma. For example the reoccurring “Mom is smothering me with a pillow” nightmare). When I moved back here to my home the trauma nightmares slowly went away (thanks in part to the Remeron) but, now they’ve popped up again. I don’t know if they are back temporarily or if this is going to be the plague again.
Both last night and the night before I woke up from these unshakable nightmares. Yesterday, I barely got through the day. I kept shaking like I’d had too much caffeine, my heart wouldn’t slow down for quite sometime. Today, it’s not as bad but I can’t stop thinking about it. The images just keep popping into my head! In a minute I might go draw or something see if I can get the image free by releasing it on to paper.
The night before last the dream was about my brother. It seemed to dredge up a lot of long buried feelings and memories. So much of it felt so familiar that even in the dream I was wondering “what does this mean?”, “Was this something that really happened or just part of this dream?”, “There is something I’m not remembering, it was very similar to this”. The really strange thing was even in the dream I felt myself dissociate at one point. I was cowering in a corner, feeling myself slip away into some dark unknown part of myself where I could just sleep till everything was over. Then somehow I snapped out of it because I heard my brother coming up the stairs again and knew I had to get out of the room quick. Strange how familiar that feeling was, maybe not in context with my brother but just in general, the feeling of wanting to slip away inside to “sleep” but then having to react to some immediate danger in the next second. There was even a part in the dream, shortly before this dissociative experience, where I had a small “flashback”. I think that’s one of the points where I wondered whether my brain was really trying to recall something real or if it was just a symbolic dream flashback. Then there was the part where I was running to my room and desperately trying to lock my bedroom door, the door not closing or locking. This comes from old memories of incidents with all of my family members I think and not just my brother. The incidents with my brother where the more violent ones though I think, he was much more likely to try and force his way in than anyone else. I can see some symbolic meaning too much the same as in some of the “Mom smothering me with a pillow” dreams, some of those deal with my feelings of privacy and I think this dream does too somewhat. Then there is the part where my brother comes after me with a pair of scissors and chases me down the hall with them. Was watching one of my favorite Hitchcock movies a few days ago and I have to say I think part of this is my guilt complex (pat yourself on the back if you know which movie I was watching!), once as a kid I got so angry at my brother I nearly killed him with a pair of scissors. It happened in a moment of dissociation I do believe and I don’t think I ever really got over the fact that I DID do that. It upsets me a lot when I think about it. I think the other piece to this part of my dream was the memories and issues I’d been talking about in therapy a few weeks ago regarding the violent fights my brother and I got into as kids. There is more to this dream in the beginning but I don’t feel comfortable talking about it at the moment. It’s been really awkward feeling for the last day and several hours having my brother in the house and going out of my way more than usual to avoid him.
The dream last night was about medical trauma. I’ve been worried about this upcoming appointment and have put off calling back my other doctor because she want me to come back in to “re-evaluate” me. I think I’m somewhat terrified that means she wants to re-test me. So in the dream I was back at her office, being re-tested. Only this time instead of the small needles there were the huge crazy dream needles, which of course the crazy dream doctors have to shove into you as far as possible. Of course everyone else in the dream is looking at you like your nuts and there is no possible way that could hurt that much. So I can’t quite get that image out of my head. At least I’m not as exhausted as I was after yesterday’s dream. God, I wanted to sleep so bad yesterday afternoon but was too afraid. At least today I think I’ll make it through the day ok.
Here’s hoping tonight is a better night!
Filed under: abuse, Brother, Dissociation, family, PTSD, sibling, Trauma, Triggers | Tagged: chaotic family, Dissociation, fear, guilt, health, medical trauma, memories, Nightmares, PTSD, sexual abuse, sibling abuse, sibling rivalry, sleep, Trauma | 1 Comment »