Fragments, Rough Nights, & Dreams

The Others as Worry Dolls

Update: There are our worry dolls so far. I kind of like them without the faces but dunno. Usually when doing anything with people we don’t do a face.  On these sometimes it smudges (even though it’s permanent ink, it’s hard to do that small. I might redo the Little One doll wasn’t really sure how to do the dress at first. The one on the right is the stand in for S.

Wow! I haven’t written since June?

Well, we are still working on that drowning memory.  It changes each time I go in to work with it.  I don’t want to say it gets better or that it gets easier, I’m not sure it really does if you know what I mean. I think it will always be horrible and scary but just…a regular horrible and scary.  Dunno if that makes any sense…  I guess it’s kind of the difference between burning yourself taking cookies out of the oven and just remembering that one time you burnt yourself taking cookies out of the oven.  My brain is slowly learning that I’m not drowning, it’s just a memory.  I’m actually alive and I’m safe, I made it to the surface again. I’m learning I can leave that memory when ever I want, it’s not as much of a struggle to leave and find reality.  I can choose to picture myself drowning and remember that I was scared but at the same time know my feet are on solid ground in the present.  The terror that was once there lasts only a second if it shows up at all.  Pretty dang cool!

Recently I switched from using the tappers (buzzers) to the light bar (following a light with my eyes) and um…wow! I switched because I realized I was kind of dissociating and avoiding things when it got rough.  There seemed to be more interference and walls too.  It seems better with the light bar.  The last couple sessions though have left me with some rough nights.  On one of these nights I ended up finally meeting another of our fragments.  It’s pretty funny, I’ve had an inkling he was real (that sounds funny I know) but now I know for sure.  For a long time I thought maybe it was just 12 or someone horsing around but it didn’t seem right…  Anyway, I’ll call him the Joker here.  He’s the little announcer guy I hear a lot in various situations.  Sometimes he just makes things entertaining by providing my life, television, and movie watching with a bizarre yet often hilarious running commentary.  Other times he provides insight into my inner life in cryptic sing songy rhymes.  I found out that he was one of the Little One’s pocket people and that’s probably why it took forever to learn of him.  It just happened one night when Little One got scared and out popped Joker to try to interpret and alleviate the situation with a little humor.  To clarify a little, Little One has fragments apparently that she carries around with her.  Some are regular sized people like Slly, I call her an umbrella person since sometimes I see Little One’s dress like a giant umbrella that hides people under it.  Some like Joker are tiny, I guess, and live in the pocket of her dress (I sound like a nut job now! lmao!). It was on of my co-conscious moments so I manage to think of trying to take down notes of what he was saying (I’ve also asked the Others in times past to try to record things for me if I’m not able to. Meh, sometimes it works sometimes it’s just better to do a job yourself if you can lol!). I was reading Tempy’s “Crackers & Juiceboxes” blog and she had some pics of her journal writing posted so I thought maybe in my next post I’d share that one and a few others.

The rest of my nights after therapy have been filled with bizarre and often unsettling dreams. Oh, Therapy! What fun! *sarcasm* Last week was super frustrating because there were two that I can’t quite remember but felt really important.  The one I vaguely remember ended with me being pissed at my dad because it turned out that he knew everything that happened to me and never said anything, never tried to protect me.  Probably close to the truth, I don’t know what he knows though in real life.  Unlike my mom…maybe in the dream it was safer to get upset at my dad than my mom?  Dunno.  Then there was this other one that seemed super important, like it solved every one of my life mysteries!  I remember I woke up completely terrified though.  I remember being completely exhausted, trying to concentrate on how good the cool breeze coming through the window felt so that I wouldn’t fall back into that horrible dream world.  At the same time I kept telling myself to remember this, write it down when I get up.  The next thing I know my drunk neighbor is shouting at his brother “Have a good day! I love You!” at six am and while I was pissed about that I cracked up at the same time.  The dream was totally forgotten at that point.

No therapy this week.  Yay! But boo. haha!

I’m going to try to get a shot of the worry doll people we’ve been slowly working on.  I can’t remember, someone did a blog on those …super cute…and I wanted to link to it but I’ve lost it.  Anyway we got some of these from patterns at work and some searching the internet.  I want to put it up on this post so if it’s not there in a bit, keep checking back! All but one of them is one of The Others and the one that is not…is kind of a temporary stand in.  Hah, that was kind of complicated!