Having a problem with saying the wrong thing

I almost always feel like I’m saying the wrong things in my outside life but now I realize I often find myself saying the wrong things in my inner world as well.  It makes me feel awful and I don’t know how to change it at the moment.  I’m not sure how to describe it except to give an outside life example of the a similar situation:

Have you ever had one of those moments with a friend where they are really down depressed and emo because say they broke up with someone, their cat is sick, they messed up at work….I don’t know.  Anyhow, no matter what you do or what you say they just keep beating themselves up.  Outwardly though you pat them on the back and say they are a great person with lots to offer blah blah blah but after awhile you inwardly start thinking “Good God, you are getting so annoying with this ‘I suck’ BS! Shut the F*ck up already!”.

Well, obviously that’s a real problem with DID and the friend is instead an internal part.  I don’t really get my own private thoughts and I end up hurting that part of me even more.  I think in the past I’ve sometimes been able to be more tactful etc, etc all that good stuff and say something better than “I understand your hurting but shut the hell up about it already”.  Right now though I guess I’m just not having one of those moments.  So there ends up being this long session of massive apologies and well…I think maybe I’m getting the silent treatment or something.  Totally deserved, I think I probably lost some trust with those parts too.  Sucks.  Things had been going pretty well, certain part that had “runaway” came back and WAY TO GO ME! I totally f*cked that up.

I’m just not good at being nice/good to “me” yet.  I keep stumbling along.  I think my fear is though that somehow they might “leave” me for good (wall me back out maybe).  *sigh* I dunno, I gotta take a break from this one…

Can I trade in my mother?

I’m having a difficult moment.  The day has been really rough. This is really the most present day I’ve had since last Tuesday and right now I’m trying to just find that little hiding niche right now because I’m just so exhausted from today.  The last few minutes have been really difficult due to mom issues.

This week my mom came back from vacation and ever since she got back (well, to be honest it was happening a few weeks before but it’s much more intense now) she’s been in her evil mom mode.  It’s hard.  It’s times like this when I start to think there is seriously something mental with her.  I seriously start to think it’s something more than just dysthymia.  I seriously start to wish I had a different mom.

It’s difficult for me to be around her for too long because I inevitably say the ‘wrong’ thing.  The ‘wrong’ thing meaning I say something that opens the door to some critical or unsupportive comment.  I felt like crap today and all I wanted was for someone to be there for me.  Well, not just someone because there are people who are there but, I wanted a mom.  I keep looking for that mom who will be there to comfort me.  That doesn’t exist in my world though.  It often feels like she just doesn’t care at all about me.  My brain has a hard time not going to the “If she doesn’t care about me, why should I care about me” thoughts.  I know that’s not quite right, I think she does ‘care’ about me just not in the full and normal way a person should.

I feel like writing my shrink a letter and enclosing this in it.  I’ve never done that before, written a therapist…well I did my ex therapist but she wouldn’t let me send it and made me read it out loud to her next session instead…most times it’s easier to say whats going on in my head through written word than out loud.  Anyway, I have to come up with someway to get through these next several hours/days.  I really want to make it to the 17th at least.  I know I really need to come up with someway to get out of this house permanently again.  I’m not very good at that kind of thing and job situation wise I’m struggling bad.  At the moment though it feels like if I want to keep living I’m gonna have to find some kind of moving plan.